This is going to be weird for the few people that know me. Lately I have the desire to be a better person. Not better in a "I want to be smarter" type of way, but like in a nice, likable person sort of way. Sometime back, I was quite the popular person. Everyone liked me. Crazy I know. I used to be a nice guy who enjoyed helping people. I was a pretty happy about it. Some rough things happened in my life and things started to change. At first it seemed like it didn’t bother me, just rolled with the punches I guess. Some time later it seems that worse things start to happen. At this point it seems like everything and everyone I cared about has tried to burn me. I guess I became so hurt that I build up a wall to make sure I don’t get hurt again (Not really my viewpoint, but 10 people telling me this cant be wrong). I have, at this point in my life, become jaded. I didn’t know I was jaded. I would tell myself that I was just a realist.I worked so hard to stop caring that now it’s hard for me to care. Not about important stuff like my family, but about other stuff. I put on this persona that nothing bothers me. Big old grumpy guy that no one really likes to be around (Honestly though, I do it so people dont ask me to help them. I have a real hard time saying, No). Recently one of my good friend's stepfather passed away. He was a good person. I would even say a great man. There were so many people around him during his final hours. He touched so many lives that people just wanted to be near him at least once more before he left. I was so overwhelmingly moved by this. I started to think about when I died. I realized that there would be very few people that would care if I went. No one cares if the grumpy, unhappy guy leaves. Actually most people would quietly be grateful. I don’t think I want to be that guy anymore. My problem now is that I don’t know how to be nice. I suppose that I will have to fake it.
